Emptiness in the Greatness

The more “great” things I do, the more empty I feel at the end. What was supposed to fill me ended up draining. These few months of “greatness” for other people and impressive-looking resumes have disappointed me. Maybe I’m a simple man wanting to do simple things, but I know the cost is not something I want to bear. I have a whole life ahead of me, lands, and opportunities to conquer.

 I’m an explorer at heart but bound by circumstances just like everyone else, one that most of whom want to be in my place rather than the one they’re in. This whole paradox and dissatisfaction has been brewing a conflict inside me. What’s the way of life really? What’s the purpose of life? If happiness is not a goal, what kind of struggle is worth living then? If this victory I should’ve been celebrating is causing me to mourn, then how can I know what’s right and wrong? 

Everywhere I turn everyone disguises themselves as life’s gatekeepers when in reality they’re trying to sell you something. If I read through the scriptures, then it’s merely half the answers it gives on the way of professional life. It shows the guide to love others and love God. I guess God is really the only one who can fill my heart with happiness, looking up at the whole of creation to thank the lord for everything I’ve gotten.

 Now I guess the question would be, how can I still be productive if I’m grateful for what I have? I realize my fuel for productivity came out of self-hate and trying to improve myself. Now I’ve come to the point where I love myself and the fuel for that productivity has died down, at least it’s not like it used to be. Maybe I’m at the point where I become productive because I’m grateful. If you ask me, getting fueled my negative energy taps into our body unlike positive energy does. Shame, lust, pride, guilt, and fear fuels us at our most primal level. 

I’ve taken advantage of all that for almost 5 years now and I’m at a stage where it’s not the case. It’s beautiful and I’m so grateful for that. I’m still not at my highest potential but that hate I have in my body has lost its power. I’ve understood a lot about life since I’ve become conscious and that understanding killed the hate both for others and myself. An empathy that doesn’t realize its power I guess.

 So going back to the question of productivity, how can I fuel myself to do great things with blessing and gratitude? How can I work with abundance when I’ve been used to negative and vengeful energy? Destructive and negative energy in the end makes you miserable and I don’t want to be the starving and depressed artist. I refuse to turn out that way.

 I’m just thinking about how all the great stuff I made was made as a way to cope with dark energy. The Blue Veiled Wanderer is one I can think of. It was a byproduct of desperation. Don't get me wrong it's natural To use dark energy to get a project finished in a thought schedule, but it's gonna end up making miserable in the long run. So I'm begging for the life of me how can I fuel myself with positive energy when I've grown to love and accept myself?