Stone-hearted Stoner

    Needles and wires tangled around my forearms. My fingers burned from the weed strain my dealer had suggested would make me feel my stone heart. My scorched lungs left me to hold my sweetheart’s hand in the hospital bed. Trembling, she clung, tears like rain in my hand. Every sensation intensified my heartbeat to a deafening tribal drumroll. I couldn't understand what was in the weed.

She had always seen through my delusion and known the truth I was too cowardly to admit. But even now, as I lay on the brink of death, I couldn't bring myself to meet her gaze. I couldn't find the words to tell her how sorry I was for everything I said using her weakness for my gain. I pretended to be unconscious with my still body, shut eyes, and slow breathing.

A  whirlwind of faded memories rush in. The sun’s warmth on my face as I played with my six-month-old niece and her innocent laughter healing my tired soul. The weight of the blanket as I wrapped it around her fragile body, feeling its heaviness underneath her helpless limbs.

And then there were the memories of my grandpa, his precious smile and boundless enthusiasm. How much he had suffered in his final days, yet bravely faced his mortality. Meanwhile, I had been too selfish and indifferent to confront the reality of his pain. I was sunk in the piles of weed strain to smoke and addicted to the bittersweet routine of seeking happiness from inanimate things. Ruminating in my mental masturbation proclaiming "That's just how life is." I regret not being there for him when he needed me most.

Each memory pierced my chest as I lay stiff. The warmth of her hand held me from death’s icy grip. I had been cold towards her for far too long. How immature of me to claim that I want to see the world with fresh eyes and the wind at my back. I can't bear to look at her or keep her company. Leaving her with a beeping heart monitor where my voice should be.

The pain intensified, and a searing agony consumed me whole. Every heartbeat, every breath, every pulse of life slowly slipping away. The remnants of the high in my veins flowed and paying the price for my sins. The burden Pharoah bore with his hardened heart.

I repent! Tears streamed down my face as I begged for forgiveness, knowing it was too late for redemption. The darkness gripped tighter, I clung to my sweetheart’s hand tighter. The monitor beeped faster and I opened my eyes one last time to look at her. With one last shuddering breath, I surrendered to the darkness. The flame, the smoke, and the suffocating feeling that kept me coming back when I was short of breath were replaced by the heart monitor's flattened sound. If only I had been brave enough to hold on to her longer.